Jesus Christ: Vampire Slayer
by makinglulz
Summary: Vampires no longer fear the Sun. Instead, they fear the Son!
1. Chapter 1

I am the way, the truth, and the life. But if you cross me, I will end you.

"What time is it? The fuck is going on?" Jesus said as he awoke from his sleep, watching the nude form of Mary Magdalene slink into his bedroom and throw herself on the silk sheets of the bed. She looked as lovely as ever, a natural 36C and fine ass with a glassy amber eyes that only served to make her utterly perfect body all that much better.

"It's 10:30. You came over drunk yesterday and said you weren't going to leave until you got some fucking."

Jesus laughed, "Sounds about right. Was it good?"

Mary Magdalene sighed, "Honestly, it kind of makes me wonder why I broke it off. But not again. Get your clothes on and get out of my house before I call Martin to haul you out."

"You still date that fuckstick?" Jesus said, throwing the covers off and standing up.

"Fuck no," Mary spat out, "I friendzoned that spineless twat. He does whatever I want and I don't have to give him anything."

Jesus raised an eyebrow, "Cold move. But hey, if you want some more body of Christ, you know where to dial." He slid his underwear and jeans on as Mary Magdalene eyed his package.

Jesus let a small grin slip as he threw his shirt on, "Whatever, you'll be calling me again in a few days."

"You can keep telling yourself that, Jesus, but you're just too unstable. You need to get a steady job rather than just chasing after these ghosts all the time." Mary said with a frown.

"Vampires. I hunt fucking vampires. And if I fucking didn't, who would?" Jesus said as he slipped on his shoes.

"Yeah, whatever," Mary Magdalene said as she slipped into the bathroom, "just get out in 5 minutes so Martin doesn't see you."

Jesus rolled his eyes as he stepped out into the living room, walking past a series of bottles of Johnnie Walker Black which he was pretty sure he had left there the night before. He opened the front door and cursed the sun as he stepped into the outdoors grumbling.

He paused for a moment and admired his car: a black V8 Camaro with chrome accents. "I might not always get the bitch, but hey, it's a good ride for getting bitches," he said to himself as he pushed the unlock button. He pulled the door of his Camaro open and stepped inside, starting it up and revving the motor, letting the V8 bellow as Enter Sandman began to blast from the speakers.

"Metal." Said Jesus as he donned his aviator sunglasses and roared out of Mary Magdalene's driveway, tires screeching as he pulled into the street.

Ten minutes later, Jesus was on his way to his favorite bar when he noticed his phone was ringing. He answered it with a swift motion, "Jesus Christ speaking. What's up?"

"Jesus, it's Paul. Look, I've got a serious bit of business which I need your help with. Get over here now."

Jesus moaned, "Seriously, I wanted to get something to eat first, you know, some bacon or something. Can I take a couple hours before I get over there?"

"No can do, it's a major job and needs to be taken care of fast. Get over as fast as you can."

Jesus sighed, "Sure thing. I'll be right over."

With music blaring, Jesus quickly executed a right turn at 75 miles an hour, leaving a trail of tire smoke as he quickly changed direction, rear end sliding out as traffic behind him honked in irritation. Jesus threw up a bird from his sunroof and shifted into 3rd gear, driving away with the engine blazing.

A day like any other of pounding Black Label and banging hoes would be quickly take a direction unlike any he had expected.

Jesus pulled his Camaro into his usual parking space outside Paulie's Bar. He stepped out, putting a cigarette in his mouth and lighting it up before continuing inside.

Paulie's was pretty dead at the hour as usual, permeated with the smell of old beer and body odor from the few hopeless cases which started their day this early. Jesus kept smoking his cigarette, looking around for the guy who had just called him when a voice called out to him, "You can't smoke in here. Take that outside or put it out."

Jesus took off his sunglasses, letting the man have an icy glare before striding up to him and seizing him by the collar. Jesus lifted him off the ground and blew a cloud of smoke into his face.

"Want to make something of it, bitch?"

The man shook his head, "No, no. Please, just put me down!"

Jesus threw the man into a nearby pool table, breaking it in half and leaving the man out cold in a pool of his own blood. Jesus spat, "Request granted."

"The fuck is going on out here?" A man rushed from the kitchen into the bar to see what had caused the noise, "Who the fuck broke my pool table."

Jesus laughed, "Paulie, my nigga, relax. I had to put the bitch down for giving me shit. You know I'm good for it."

Paul groaned, "Whatever Jesus. Just make sure you cover it sooner rather than later. I'm just glad you're finally back over. What's the matter, my place isn't good enough for you anymore?"

Jesus groaned, "No, it's just there's never enough cunt here for me. Just a bunch of alcoholics all the time."

Paul sighed, "True. Sad but true." He paused a moment, "Anyway, I'm just glad you're finally here. I've got a job that just came in for you."

Jesus raised an eyebrow, "Got an infestation? Need some of my skills to clear it out? I'm in."

Paul nodded, "Come on back so I can give you the info, this shit is serious business."

The back office of Paulie's Bar was a small room with a desk in the middle, a chair on either side, and a large mess of papers scattered along a wall. Jesus sat down across from Paul and watched as his apostle produced a manila folder containing the details of his next job.

Cullen, Edward. Jesus studied the name and the picture. Just like almost every other vampire Jesus Christ (VAMPIRE SLAYER! *Guitar riff*) had sent to their natural rest, this one looked like some faggy metrosexual which pissed off Jesus to no end.

"This fucking cunt? Seriously? He looks like a fucking fairy."

Paul nodded as he poured Jesus a glass of Black Label, "He looks like a fairy to seduce stupid bitches. He is in fact extremely dangerous. He's killed some good hunters before, which is why the client is offering $100,000 for the hit."

"Damn," said Jesus as he took a swig of whisky, "Lot of booze and bitches that can buy me."

"Indeed," said Paul with a grin, "kill him and we can celebrate."

Jesus nodded as he finished the rest of his whisky, "No problem. I'll be back later once I cap his ass."

Paul nodded, "Good luck, Jesus."

Jesus had already left, rushing for the door and stepping into his car, he pulled out of the bar's parking lot in a cloud of smoke, revving the big V8 as he shifted into 2nd gear.

Jesus was confident, he was the finest vampire slayer on Earth, and this little bitch Edward Cullen would be just like every other little bitch vampire he had killed before. Little did he realize that this job was going to be quite a lot more complicated than he, or Paul had possibly ever imagined…


	2. Chapter 2

_As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear nothing, for I am the incarnate badass._

* * *

><p><strong>Forks, Washington<strong>

"Fuck this place," scowled Jesus as flashing lights appeared behind his Camaro.

Jesus checked his speedometer, noting that he was doing 90 in a 50. He gritted his teeth and swore, "Not another fucking ticket. My insurance premium is too damn high already."

With a grin, Jesus threw the car into second gear, letting the engine roar as he powerslid onto a side street, leaving a trail of tire smoke.

The police vehicle tried to follow, breaking quickly and turning, but quickly slid off the road, sliding directly into a tree.

"Fucking pigs." Said Jesus as he watched the crash from his rear view mirror.

Jesus's Camaro continued to speed down the side road, winding through the path cut through the massive pines of the forest surrounding the town of Forks. He felt relaxed, prepared for the task at hand.

He went over his plan again. Locate Edward and his wife's home, learn their movements, and then take each of them out one at a time when they were left alone.

The sudden noise of a police siren alerted Jesus to the fact he wasn't safe yet.

"Pig must have radioed it in. Shit," shouted Jesus as he made a quick turn back towards the town of Forks.

Jesus slammed down hard on the gas as he entered the town, swerving between cars as the police followed with sirens blazing. Cars threw themselves onto the sidewalk as pedestrians dove for cover from the maelstrom Jesus was unleashing on the streets of Forks.

Jesus gritted his teeth as he executed a quick powerslide off the main street onto a side street, leaving a cloud of smoke and nearly hitting several people running across the street.

Pounding the accelerator, the V8 threw the car forward with the noise of a cruise missile, tearing the wrong way down the side street, before he hopped a short curb and drove along the sidewalk with pedestrians diving into the street to escape the oncoming caravan of Jesus and several police cars.

Jesus moved to execute a quick turn onto another street when, without warning, a cop car barreled down this same street, slamming directly into the side of Jesus's car.

The Camaro spun, slamming into the side of a shop with a sickening crunch of metal hitting masonry.

For Jesus, everything went black.

* * *

><p>"Jesus Christ, we meet at last."<p>

Jesus awoke handcuffed to a chair in a windowless room; a single light bulb dangling from the ceiling filled the room with a sickening yellow glow.

The police officers looked at Jesus with a bit of amusement.

"So, this is an interrogation room then? Well. What the fuck do you cunts want?" Jesus spat.

Two police officers stood across a table from Jesus. Both burly, middle aged men wearing sunglasses and neither were smiling.

"You see, Mr. Christ… I know very well what you do in your spare time. We all do. And this town doesn't take kindly to your kind around here." One officer said.

"What do you mean, 'my kind,' this is the Pacific Northwest, not the cousin-fucking Deliverance part of the Deep South. I crashed my car into a fucking Organic Food store for fuck sakes. What kind of left-wing tree-hugging cunts are you people?" Jesus said.

"Not like that, Mr. Christ. We don't like vampire hunters around here," the other officer said.

Both of the officers suddenly let loose a grin, Jesus immediately spotting fangs in both of their mouths.

Jesus suddenly realized that he had stumbled deep into a nest of vampires far beyond what he had expected.

"Mr. Christ, this entire town is… shall we say, a sanctuary of sorts… or at least, it has become one, thanks to the hard work of our leader," one of the officers said.

"A sanctuary for vampires? The fuck? How many," Jesus asked incredulously.

"Basically the entire town, our beloved leader has decided to give us all a great gift."

Jesus's jaw dropped. "Edward fucking Cullen"

"Why yes, that's our leader. And we've stopped every single hunter who's tried to come after him."

Both officers stepped forward, "So, I have to ask, Mr. Christ," said one

"Will you join us?" Said the other.

"Or must we destroy you?" said the first.

Jesus started to laugh.

"Or how about Fuck you?" Jesus said.

Jesus pulled hard on the handcuffs, his strength ripping the legs from the chair as he bounded over the table, driving the sharp legs directly into the hearts of the two vampire cops standing in disbelief at the suddenness of his attack.

The two staked vampires dropped to the ground as Jesus rolled to a stop, he grabbed the keys from one of their belts and undid his handcuffs.

Jesus strode over to the door and unlocked it, opening it slightly and peering out into the corridor beyond. Four empty cells and a door at the end were all that he could see.

The door to the corridor began to open, leaving Jesus to slink back into the cell.

There was a knock on the interrogation room door. Jesus stood right behind the door as it opened, another police officer walking in, and taking a quick look.

Before he could turn to run, Jesus bashed the chair across the officer's face as hard as he could, leaving him to collapse cold on the floor.

* * *

><p>"Uggh, where am I?" the bloodied officer asked as he looked around the room, struggling against the restraints on the chair.<p>

Jesus laughed as he stooped down in the officer's face, "Does it matter?"

The officer laughed, "Oh, you are pretty dangerous Jesus, I'll give you that. So are you going to kill me now?"

Jesus smirked, "No. Not yet. First, I'm going to make you scream like a bitch."

The officer's eyes went wide as Jesus pulled a duffel bag onto the table.

"Where did you get that?" The officer asked.

"Personal effects locker, you left it wide open while you were out."

Jesus pulled out a cup of water and a vial of salt, mixing the two together on the table.

"Salt water? What, are you going to do, make me drink it until I get thirsty?" asked the officer with a groan.

"Not your standard table salt," said Jesus with a grin, "but a salt of sorts. Silver nitrate salt, to be exact…" said Jesus with a wide smile.

Jesus continued, "You see, on people, it's a bit irritating," he took a dropper and left a little drop on his hand, "and stains your skin black," he washed off the solution after a minute, leaving a faint blue-black stain on the back of his hand. "You can make a fair temporary tattoo with it if you know what you're doing."

Jesus smiled, "But on you bloodsucking fucks… it's a whole nother story."

The officer grimaced as Jesus filled the medicine dropper with another dose of the silver nitrate solution.

"So let's start. What's your name?" Asked Jesus.

"Eat shit and die," said the officer, spitting.

Jesus wiped the spit off his face and placed the medicine dropper directly on the officer's hand, squeezing a tiny drop onto the back of his hand.

The silver solution bubbled as the skin of the vampire's hand blistered and smoked. Screams of agony filled the room as the silver burned his skin like acid.

Jesus quickly splashed water on the hand, leaving a blistered bit of skin.

"That's some Iranian secret police shit, isn't it?" asked Jesus with a smile.

"So, let me ask again, what's your name."

"James Patterson," replied the officer.

"So tell me, Officer Patterson, did Edward Cullen turn you into a vampire?"

The officer said nothing.

"Have it your way, cunt."

Jesus grabbed the container of silver nitrate solution and began to pour it over his arm slowly, leaving horrible blisters and smells of burning flesh as the vampire's forearm chemically burned down to the bone. Officer Patterson screamed in blood curdling agony as the skin peeled from muscle.

"Yes. Yes he did. Stop it, please, just fucking stop it."

Jesus poured water over the blistered arm, washing away the silver solution.

"How many others?" asked Jesus.

"The whole town. Edward turned the whole town into vampires."

Jesus nodded. "Where is Edward?"

"The mayor's office, he's in the fucking mayor's office. We made him mayor. For fuck's sake, please no more of that silver salt shit," Screamed the officer in desperation.

Jesus chuckled. "Got anything to drive?"

"Plenty of police cars."

Jesus's eyes narrowed, "I mean something to replace the Camaro you fucks wrecked."

"There's something we seized from a drug courier in the impound lot. Not a Camaro, but it's a fair trade."

"Sounds fair enough. Anyone else in the station?"

Officer Patterson shook his head, "Just us."

Jesus smiled, "Well, thank you for all your help Officer. But of course… you know I can't just leave you here."

The Officer grimaced as Jesus picked up a crowbar.

"And here's for the home run."

Swinging the crowbar directly into the officer's jaw, Jesus shattered it into a bloody ruin, sending teeth flying across the room as the officer groaned.

Next, he pried the officer's mouth open with the bar, cracking the joints of the jaw with the officer continuing to groan in agony.

Finally, Jesus poured the remainder of the silver nitrate down the officer's throat.

Stepping back, Jesus watched as the vampire melted from the inside out, his chest cavity melting and letting loose a torrent of blood and liquefied internal organs.

"Fucking metal," said Jesus with a smirk as he left the interrogation room.

This Edward Cullen job had just gotten a hell of a lot more complicated.


	3. Chapter 3

_Render unto Caesar's that which is Caesar's, Render to the undead a bullet to the head._

* * *

><p>Jesus cracked the door out of the cell block open ever so slightly, looking out into the lobby of the small police station of the town of Forks. He quickly noted movement, a few police officers milling about outside in the lobby.<p>

He closed the door gently, whispering "lying cunt" under his breath as he retreated back into the cell block. "Motherfucker lied to me. He wasn't alone…"

Putting on his sunglasses, Jesus grabbed his bag and fished out his two 1911 .45 caliber handguns.

Jesus smiled a bit, "Well, who gives a fuck anyway."

Kicking the door open, Jesus quickly drew a bead on the officer nearest the door and fired twice from the 1911 in his right hand. The first round caught the officer in the chest, knocking him back, before the other silver hollow point bullet shattered his head like an overripe watermelon, splattering blood and brain fluid across the room.

The second officer had no time to react before the 1911 in Jesus's left hand let loose divine vengeance with two well-placed shots. The first caught the officer in the thigh, blowing his leg off as the silver hollow point expanded, while the second ripped into his neck, destroying the lower part of his head in a bloody mess.

The third officer drew his pistol as Jesus made a quick dive for cover behind a nearby column. The police officer's handgun spat out rounds at the thick concrete pillar, ricocheting off the floor as Jesus waited patiently, biding his time.

The police officer's gun ran dry, leaving him to duck behind a nearby desk as he grabbed his radio, "Suspect has escaped, need backup, Officer down, I repeat, officer down."

Jesus edged his eye around the pillar, waiting for the officer to show himself.

"Seriously, what the fuck do you think you are? Dual wielding 1911s?" The officer screamed mockingly from behind the desk, "Who the fuck does that outside of Hollywood?"

Jesus laughed, "Do you want to know what I am? Do you want to know what I fucking am? I'm Jesus Christ, VAMPIRE SLAYER." *guitar riff*

Grabbing an orb from his bag, Jesus counted to three and then tossed it towards the officer hidden behind cover.

The officer's eyes went wide as the cross-topped orb rolled in his direction.

"Holy Hand Grenade, bitch," said Jesus as the grenade exploded, sending white-hot silver shrapnel through the lobby, ripping the last officer into a bloody mess.

Jesus stepped through the carnage as the noise of sirens drew closer.

"Guess I need to fight my way out of this one." Jesus said with a sigh.

Three squad cars pulled into the lot in front of the building, six officers piling out of them and ducking behind their patrol car as they watched for any signs of movement.

Jesus was already waiting for them, crouched behind a heavy concrete wall with his G-36 assault rifle pointed through the window.

Jesus opened fire as soon as they exposed themselves, a three round burst ripping the first officer apart as the silver soft point bullets tore his upper body like a zipper.

Shots rang out in Jesus's direction as he ducked into cover, tossing another grenade which destroyed a nearby patrol car and ripped apart two officers with shrapnel. He sprinted towards a nearby pillar for cover as he fired suppressive fire at the remaining officers to keep them pinned behind their patrol cars.

Jesus reloaded as the officers began to advance forward, firing at the pillar with their handguns.

"Eat shit and die you fucks" Jesus said as he dove out from the pillar, time itself seeming to slow as he fired. Each of the officers died as the assault rifle blasted out three round bursts that tore them apart, dropping them in a gory mess.

Grabbing his bag, Jesus stepped through the gore splattered lobby and out the door, turning towards the impound lot.

Jesus spotted the car the officer was speaking about earlier, a metallic blue Corvette ZR-1. Some drug courier's car that now sat in the impound lot here for Jesus's taking.

"Serious fucking metal," said Jesus as he eyed the Corvette, pulling his sunglasses down a bit to see the sun reflect off the chrome accents and sparkling blue paint.

Jesus unlocked the door and pressed his foot against the clutch, shifting the car into neutral as he stuck the key into the ignition.

A supercharged V8 bellowed in a symphony of nearly unhinged power. Plugging in his iPod, Jesus began to blast War Pigs from the speakers as the car roared out of the impound lot and onto the road out of Forks.

This Edward Cullen job was going to need a lot more assistance, and a lot more of a paycheck.

* * *

><p>Jesus parked the ZR-1 in front of Paulie's Bar. Stepping out of the car and walking in, Jesus stormed up to the bar.<p>

"Jesus Christ…" Said Paul with a hint of relief.

"The fuck did you send me into Paul, this job is fucked up." Said Jesus.

Paul nodded, "After you left, I was visited by a few people… they told me what you were going into. I'm sorry Jesus. I tried to call you, but you didn't answer."

"You know I can't hear my phone over the stereo."

Paul nodded, "Yeah…"

"So anyway, I'm going to put it very fucking clearly to you. This is not a $100,000 job. This is a fucking genocide campaign. It's a private war." Said Jesus as he lit a cigarette.

"Jesus… follow me, I need to introduce you to a couple people."

Jesus followed Paul into his office. Rather than sit down, Paul pulled a book from the nearby bookshelf, opening a door leading to a hidden set of stairs.

"You opened the headquarters up, Paul?" I thought we didn't need this size of an operation.

"We didn't until now, Jesus."

Paul handed Jesus a glass of Black Label as they entered the basement. Sitting in two chairs in the lobby, Jesus noticed two familiar figures as he began to sip his Whisky.

"Ah… Blade. What brings you to this neck of the woods?" asked Jesus with a hint of surprise.

Blade shrugged, "Trying to warn you about what you were getting yourself into. This situation is more complicated than I think any of us really anticipated."

The other figure, shrouded in cigarette smoke, nodded.

Jesus turned, "And Constantine… you chainsmoking deamon-hunting mothafucka. What's up my nigga? I thought you did daemons instead of Vampires."

"I dabble a bit… and this situation is pretty critical," he replied with smoke shrouded words.

"So what's this situation then? I mean, Edward seems to have turned an entire town into a nest of vampires. We just need to wipe these fanged freaks out and then put a bullet into the head of that fairy leading them." Jesus said with a grin.

"Jesus… with all due respect, this situation is way more fucked up than you even know." Blade said with a frown.

"How do you guys know about it?" Jesus asked.

"Let me show you," said Blade as he stood up and led Constantine, Jesus, and Paul to a nearby conference room.

A projector on the wall began to show an image.

"Jesus, you have no idea of what these guys are up to. Put it mildly, it's a threat to human civilization itself."


	4. Chapter 4

_**In the beginning there was the word, and the word was on the street, and the word on the street was Jesus Christ is here to wreck your shit.**_

* * *

><p>"The fuck? Threat to civilization?" Jesus asked incredulously.<p>

Blade nodded, "You weren't the first hunter dispatched to eliminate Edward Cullen."

Jesus took a sip of whiskey and lit a cigarette, a gesture Constantine followed in quick succession.

Constantine spoke next, "He's correct. Blade and I were both contacted before they asked for you. Neither of us were able to pull off the elimination."

Jesus nodded in understanding, "Why is that? I might seriously kick ass, but Edward looks like enough of a fairy for one of you to wipe him out without problem."

"Looks can be deceiving…" Blade added quietly, starting up the projector.

A picture of the town of Forks appeared on the screen, taken from a hill overlooking the small town.

"Constantine was the first hunter contacted to deal with Cullen. Originally, it was assumed to be demonic because unlike any vampires I dealt with… the Cullens are all immune to sunlight."

A picture of Edward appeared on the screen next, obviously standing in sunlight with his shirt off, he was sparkling.

"The fuck is that fairy doing? He should be killed for that kind of over the top glitter shit even if he wasn't a vampire." Jesus spat as he took another drink of whisky.

Blade smirked at Jesus's blunt observation, "That's what he and the other two do in sunlight."

"Not the first vampire that doesn't fear the sun, bro. Sure as fuck is going to fear the Son." Jesus said.

"How's dad, anyway, Jesus?" Asked Constantine.

"He's a fucking dick, as usual." Jesus said with a puff of cigarette smoke.

Blade shook his head, "Anyway, Constantine contacted me once he realized the Cullens were vampires. We went in about a week ago to take them out."

"But they're still around…" Jesus noted.

"It was a clusterfuck," said Constantine with a groan.

Blade nodded, putting up a picture of himself facing off against Edward with his Katana drawn.

"Everything I had was ineffective against him…"

Another picture showed Blade's sword shattering against Edward.

"Silver doesn't do shit. Stakes don't do shit. Garlic doesn't do shit. Sunlight doesn't do shit." Blade spat.

Another picture showed Constantine blasting a flamethrower against Edward.

"Fire works well enough, but it really only delayed him while we could run." Constantine added.

Jesus put out his cigarette as he spoke, "Fuck me… Immune to all of the tools of a hunter."

Blade nodded, "Worse still, he's spreading…"

"I mean, yeah, he turned the town into vampires, but they die easily enough. They don't sparkle either." Jesus said with a smirk.

"Quite so, he's saving his powers for himself… better to rule the rest I assume. They're using a more familiar vampiric infection spread through the town's water supply." Blade added.

"Fucking obviously, I dropped like 10 of the fucks with some sick ass Bruce Lee moves and my gats. What the fuck does the sparkly cunt Edward want to do with his crew of vampires though?"

Constantine grunted, "He's building something, drawing in people. His plans are a lot bigger than Forks."

"Like what? What does he want? Make shit sparkly?" Jesus asked.

"See for yourself," said Blade, frowning.

* * *

><p>The projection screen at the front of the room lit up, showing Blade, shattered katana in hand standing across from Edward.<p>

"Cullen, what the fuck are you doing?" Blade shouted at the shirtless Edward, charred from Constantine's flamethrower burst.

Edward laughed, "Well… I'm building an army of vampires."

"But why in the hell are you building an army of vampires?" Asked Blade

Edward began to step forward, "You can't see why? I'm going to make the world loads better with my vampire army. First the citizens of Forks, then I'll lure in all the disaffected girls looking for badly written escapist drama and give them comfort and add them to my glorious cadre, and then, the world!"

"But what are you going to do with them?" shouted Blade.

"Well, you see, I want to ensure everything is in line with good, wholesome, family values. So we'll get rid of everything that isn't in line with good wholesome family values… I mean, you know, things like premarital sex and smoking and drinking, and…"

* * *

><p>A gunshot destroyed the projector as Jesus stood up with his .45 pistol.<p>

"THIS SPARKLY FUCKING COCKSUCKING LEAVE IT TO BEAVER MOTHERFUCKER IS GETTING MY MOTHERFUCKING BLACK LABEL OUT OF MY MOTHERFUCKING COLD DEAD FUCKING HANDS!" shouted Jesus nearly as loudly as the piercing gunshot.

Blade sighed and shook his head.

"So, I guess you have a plan then?" Asked Constantine with a groan.

Jesus smiled. "Yeah. I have a fucking plan. I'm going to wipe all of these pussy ass motherfuckers off the motherfucking Earth for going after my motherfucking Black Label."

Turning to Paul, Jesus spoke again, "Get the Apostles together. We're going to waste this Leave It to Beaver watching family values cunt and his groupies."

Paul raised his eyebrow. "Sounds good. But I mean, Jesus… didn't Blade and Constantine just say that there's no good way to kill Edward?"

"Trust me, Paul, I know what the fuck is up with this shit." Said Jesus before turning to Constantine and Blade.

"You want in on wiping these fucks out? It'll be awesome, sort of like a Michael Bay movie, but with slightly better plot."

"By Michael Bay, I assume you mean lots of exploding things rather than Megan Fox, right?" Asked Constantine.

"Yeah…" Replied Jesus

"Then count me out. Michael Bay sucks. Didn't you see Pearl Harbor?"

"I was thinking it would be more like Bad Boys 2. Not the Rock though, that was too boring." Jesus said.

"Go figure, you don't like the one movie Michael Bay did that DOESN'T suck," said Blade with a chortle.

"Whatever. Lots of shit explodes. Want in?"

"No. I'd rather go deal with deamons. Vampires have been pretty overdone lately. Too many fangirls ruined the whole thing," said Constantine with a sighing tone.

"Yeah, and personally, I don't want to be associated with Edward Sparklypants Cullen. I'm too fucking awesome for that shit."

Jesus nodded, "Your call bro. But hey, this means I get to wipe them all out myself without having to deal with that strategy shit."

Blade and Constantine sighed in unison as they left the room.

"Yo, Paulie, let's get the Apostles together and go wreck Edward's shit," Jesus said as he left the room, pouring another glass of black label on the way out.


End file.
